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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 8, 2012 10:00am-10:35am PDT

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. chris rock will be joining us in the studio. here's your moment of zen. >> as far as harry reid is concerned, listen, i know you might want to go down that road. i'm not going to respond to a dirty liar. >> you just called him a dirty liar. you stand by that? you think harry reid is a captioning sponsored by comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." (audience chanting "stephen")
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everyday! everyday! thank you so much! folks, i don't care what the calendar says, everyday is fourth of july in this studio. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. nation, we're in week two of the olympic games and i cannot get enough of all of the sport. (laughter) whether it's throw-a-stick, free style neck vein or the man panty fancy fall. (laughter) this is the score report. (cheers and applause) >> the score report presents:. >> stephen: folks, as much as i
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enjoy nbc's olympic coverage, all they have is footage of the events and interviews with the athletes. for the real story, i always turn to fox news. (laughter) just the other day, america live host and fox news blond b-294 al son cam rot a and her guests blew the lid off a growing olympic scandal. >> there's a proud moment at the olympics yesterday when 16-year-old gabby douglas won a gold medal in gymnastics. the crowd went wild with cheers though we're not hearing the chants of "u.s.a." that we've heard in some olympics gone by and some folks have noticed that american athletes' uniforms don't carry the stars and stripes look as much as they have in past years. gabby had that great moment, everybody was so excited and she's in hot pink. >> what's wrong with showing
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pride? what we're seeing is this kind of soft anti-american feeling that americans can't show our exceptionalism. >> stephen: yeah! where's the american exceptionalism? those cheering fans and those athletes who dedicated their lives to represent america standing on a podium c w their hands over their hearts fighting back the tears while the u.s. flag ascends to the rafters and our national anthem echoes throughout the arena just don't seem that into it. (laughter) i mean, would it kill you to give that flag patch a flag pin? (laughter) and you, gabby douglas, america's sweetheart, the devil's magenta? (laughter) you know who else wore purple? hitler. (laughter and applause) that's true, you don't see that because it's in black and white most of the time. i mean, where is the patriotism?
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sure, after the race 400 meter gold medalist sonia richard roth ran around with the flag over her shoulders but if she really loved america she would have carried it during the race! (laughter) and, yes, bronze medalist d.b. trotter had red, white, and blue glitter on her face, but that washes off. it should be something permanent like a face tat of reagan's face. (laughter) in the midst of all this soft anti-american feeling one athlete's patriotism was rock hard. >> u.s. rowing medalist henrick rommel seen here sporting his gold and two bronze. (laughter) folks, that is how you salute the flag. (cheers and applause)
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cool that down a little bit. i mean, what's wrong with these other rowers? the national anthem is playing and you're at half mast! i mean, who died? of course, humble in victory rum mel took to the red dits and wrote "i swear it's not erect, i don't know how it ended up in that position." (laughter) it's not hard to guess how it ended up in that position after spending 15 years in a boat with someone yelling "stroke." (laughter) nation, stay strong. stay strong. nation, the lame stream media is in the tank for barack obama. do you ever notice how they keep calling him president? bias much. now nothing romney does would seem to please them.
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for pete's sake he just took them to europe for a week and answered over two of their questions. (laughter) now by all rights, folks, romney should just shut the door on these clowns. but being the bigger man, this week mitt decided to allow what is known as a protective pool in which at least one reporter is allowed to monitor just about everything the candidate does that's right. unprecedented wall-to-wall coverage of the real mitt romney. warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant, go ahead and watch. (laughter) and this access is already telling us so much about this regular guy. >> first off, mitt romney might have been going for some average joe appeal in new hampshire early today. romney picked up in a local hardware store... >> governor, what'd you buy? >> hardware stuff. (laughter) >> stephen: there. all right? he bought hardware stuff. you know, hanler things, naily
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doodads, those medal goodies. clearly mitt romney is a man of the... what do you call those? people-majigs. now your hard nose will mcavoy types will say this is just mindless campaign photo fluff to run out the clock until the conventions. wrong! because then mitt went to the grocery store. >> what'd you get? >> groceries. >> stephen: (laughs) nice try, press. see, they were trying to get mid-to spiel the beans on who he's going to pick as his running mate. the v.p. pick is all important, folks, we all remember f.d.r.'s
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vice president john nantz gardner who said his role "was not worth a bucket of warm piss." (laughter) that may sound bad but remember, this was the depression. a bucket of warm piss was their ipad. (laughter) now the v.p. can make all the difference. in 2008, it was maverick election of sarah palin that helped john mccain clinch another term in the senate. (cheers and applause) everybody wants to know who romney will pick. well, now there's a new way for us to figure it out. >> if the past is any indication how we will learn of mitt romney's choice, perhaps you can just look to wikipedia because the day before sarah palin was named as john mccain's running
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mate her wikipedia page was updated 68 times. >> stephen: 68 times! well, that's impressive. considering that once she was on the ticket she did not edit herself once. (laughter) so the number of times a wikipedia page has been edited predicts the chances for v.p. slot. folks, that means we could be looking at vice president season six of "bufffy the vampire slayer." (cheers and applause) so nation, let your voice be heard in this historic decision. go on wikipedia and make as many edits as possible to your favorite v.p. contender. now, i like friend of the show tim pawlenty so to up his chances i'm going to get on the old wikipedia to pump up his
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edit count. let's see here. let's see here. let's see here. t-paw was born in st. paul, minnesota. let's edit that to the minnesota town of st. paul is where born tim pawlenty was. (laughter) he was the son of eugene joseph pawlenty and let's say mrs. butterworth. (laughter) intending to become a dentist, pawlenty started his career in santa's workshop. (laughter) wait a minute. wait a minute. what am i doing? this is wikipedia. anything you type in here becomes reality. on august 10, 2012, tim pawlenty was named mitt romney's running mate and wiki, wiki, wiki. with (cheers and applause)
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so i have designated t-paw the v.p. pick but it doesn't have to stay that way, folks. you get on wikipedia and edit any of these guys' pages to give them the edge or maybe edit the page of more of a dark horse-- like mitt romney's dark horse. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back everybody, thank you so much. nation, i don't know about you but i have had it up to here with animal rights groups. i mean, how endangered could the black rhino be? every time i go on safari i bag one. (laughter) and spare me your phone calls. i use everyday part of just the horn. (laughter) now luckily there's a hero out there who's not afraid to stand up to the puppy huggers. iowa congressman and haunted ice sculpture steve king recently king spoke out against new federal anti-dog fighting laws. >> the legislation that passed in the farm bill that said that it's a federal crime to watch animals fight or to induce someone else to watch an animal fight but it's not a federal
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crime to induce somebody to watch people fighting. there's something wrong with the priorities of people that think like that. it's wrong to rate animals above human beings. i will not raise animals up above human beings. >> thank you. if two consenting adults want to fight under the auspices of the w.b.a., why not two consenting dogs? i mean, it's a classic cinderellator story. a troubled young dog from a tough neighborhood looking for a way off the street heads down to the gym and then chooses to enter the exciting world of dog fighting. a mentor takes him in, teaches this dog everything he knows. and when that dog feels ready, he enters the ring to prove to the world and to himself that he's got the talented tenacity to be a winner-- or a loser, in which case he is killed. that's how cinderella ends, right? now, sadly, king's words were twisted like the ball sack of a
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rot rot wiler in a pit bull's jaws. (laughter) he was savaged by the "we don't enjoy animals being tortured for our amusement brigade" at the humane society so congressman king put his defense of dog fights in a true moral context. >> what i said is that we need to respect humans more than we do animals. wherever we start elevating animals to above that of humans we've crossed a moral line. for example, if there's a sexual predator out there who has impregnated a young girl, say a 13-year-old girl, that sexual predator can pick that girl up off the playground at the middle school and haul her across the state line and force her to get an abortion to eradicate the evidence of his crime and bring her back and drop her off at the swing set and that's not against the law in the united states of america. (laughter) >> what?
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that's not against the law? (laughter) why not? maybe congressman kick should do something about that! (laughter) what what? what? i'm being told that all of that is against the law. well, bravo, congressman, fast work. the point is... the point is humans do cruel things to each other therefore they must be allowed to be cruel to animals. until there is no human suffering it's ali ali oxen free on what you're free to do to your oxen. and, folks, it's not just cruel things, we're allowed to watch people have sex for money. why can't steve king watchdogs have sex for money? far matter, why can't i watch steve king have sex with a dog? stop putting dogs above steve king! i'm sure he'd be the top! (laughter and applause) i guess... i guess all... (cheers and applause) i guess all steve king is saying
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is that we shouldn't judge him for having impregnated that dog and then taking it across the border for forced abortion to protect the world from his monstrous glassy eyed man puppies. (laughter) right? right. that's got to be what he's saying. because otherwise i can't figure out what the (bleep) he's talking about! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a book that is a glowing portrait of his father. are you listening, kids? please welcome mardi gras shriver. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks for coming on nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: you are the vice president of u.s. programs at save the children. >> yes. >> stephen: you are a shriver and a kennedy. your father was sergeant shriver, a giant in his own time and you have now written a book about your father called "a good man, rediscovering my father sargent shriver." why good man? why not great man. he's your dad. why are you pulling the punchs? >> i think there's a lot of
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people watching that think they're great men or great women but when the lights are turned off they're not good people and i think that when i heard from so many folks after he died was that he was a good man. and i think it's a nice thing that people say to you when you lose your father, i realized it meant something different. i heard it from the waitresses at his favorite restaurant and the guy at the hair counter at the national airport. dad was good to everyone, whether you are president of the united states, cardinal or trash collector. that's what i wanted to figure out. how he could do that and do it joyfully. >> stephen: your father had an impressive if albeit extremely liberal bent. founder of the peace corps, head start, job corps, vista, legal services. did he ever revent his liberalism? (laughter) because he did all that stuff when people said yeah, liberalism has a place in america. >> he was very proud of it. he reached across the aisle to people like orrin hatch who supported job corps. >> stephen: but today if you reached across the aisle to
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somebody like orrin hatch he'd pull back a bloody stump. (laughter) >> in the time... he believed this was a greatest country on earth and he believed what brought us together. >> stephen: let's talk about the great man good person dichotomy there because aser just saying we were talking about vice presidential choices over there. >> yes. >> stephen: your dad in 1972 ran as the vice presidential candidate with george mcgovern and they were nice guys! >> they were. >> stephen: pretty much universally heralded as maybe two of the nicest guys in my lifetime who ran for president and they got their asses handed to them. (laughter) in a historic crushing. by richard nixon and spiro agnew two men who even their supporters thought were complete bastards. (cheers and applause)
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does being a good guy get you ahead in the world of great men? >> well, i think my favorite line from that campaign was what my dad said to george mcgovern after they lost. he said "we may have lost the election but we didn't lose our souls." (cheers and applause) my father died at 95 years of age after battling alzehimer's disease for ten years, surrounded by his 19 grandchildren and five kids all of whom loved him. his in laws. george mcgovern celebrated his 90th birthday in washington surrounded by hundreds of people in washington, d.c. i think we know who won that election in the long term. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: your father was one of the champions of social justice. >> yes. >> stephen: social justice led to things like the war on
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poverty. 45 years on we are approaching the same level of poverty as when the war on poverty started. haven't we prove than all those social services, reliance on the government, that that actually has failed and it's every man for himself? i got mine, jack, let's let it trickle down. (laughter) >> when you look at the statistics in 1965, the senior citizen rate of poverty and kid rate of poverty was about the same, ten years later after the war on poverty started up they both dropped ten points in 1975. now the adulterate is down under 9% and the kid rate is back up to 25%. and the bottom line is because we invested in taking care of our senior citizens. if we make the investment and put the political will behind it we can help to give kids the opportunity to realize their goals and dreams
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>> >> ultimately why do you think your father did this stuff? what was his ang? was it media optic? did he have a good publicist? (laughter) why helping other people because i don't see the gain there. (laughter) >> as corny as it sounds he went to mass everyday of his life and he was a catholic. >> stephen: i'm a catholic, too. >> i understand. >>. >> stephen: if it's a contest, it's a tie. (laughter) mark, thank you so much for joining me. mark shriver. the book is "a good man." we'll be right back.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," every
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